Francis Berger
  • Blog
  • My Work

I Envy Bald Men Their Crisis Readiness

3/23/2020

7 Comments

 
This is a light-hearted post. I somehow felt one was necessary today . . .

I am one of those men who - despite a venerable age of 48 - is still cursed with a full head of hair.

Unlike my baldheaded brethren, I am forced to consider and make time for things like combs, shampoos and, yes, haircuts. Many of my hairless homies probably envy these worries of mine, but I argue, most firmly, that my barren-domed brothers simply to not understand how oppressive and burdensome a full head of hair truly is. 

Allow me to explain. I should have got a haircut back at the end of February, but I kept putting it off for various reasons. And I continued to delay my trip to the barber shop even as the ominous corvid-filled clouds of the birdemic plague began gathering on the horizon. The whole time, my full head of hair kept getting fuller and longer. Some mornings I could barely get it to look civilized, yet I continued to make excuses for not visiting the barber. I was convinced there would always be a tomorrow - and I kept convincing myself of this until one fine day my tomorrows suddenly vanished.

In a flurry of events I still find too harrowing to contemplate, every barber within a thousand-kilometer radius of my home was forced into lockdown. I joined them a mere day later, confined within the four walls of my home, isolated and alone with my overgrown and tangled full head of hair. 

During the first few days of lockdown I could barely get myself to look into a mirror. The odd time I did, I could see my full head of hair was mocking me; new curls lolled playfully onto my forehead and swooped derisively over the edges of my ears.

Whenever I do leave the house, I make sure to hide it all beneath a wool hat, even when the temperature is nearly twenty degrees above zero.

But it's always the worst at night. I swear, I can hear it growing in the darkness. It whispers to me then, my hair, and fills my dreams with nightmare visions of a world without barbers. 

The problem is, I don't have time for all of that at the moment. I have much more pressing matters to worry about now like stocking up on two-years' worth of toilet paper and buying a flamethrower for when things get really stupid.

There's a crisis brewing and my hair is interfering with all the prepping I still need to do. It's more than I can stand. For example, the other day I had a really hard time cleaning my assault rifle because my damn hair kept getting in my eyes.

On top of that, I have to make extra room in my bunker for hair care products, which means less room for beef jerky, which means my damn neighbor is almost guaranteed to live two weeks longer than I stand to, and it's all thanks to my stupid hair. 

My hair-challenged chums don't have to worry about any of that. The smoothness with which they can transition into crisis mode matches the smoothness of their scalps. Face it - bald men are crisis ready! While I'm wasting time stocking up on things like shampoo and hair gel, they're doing useful stuff like installing water-free compost toilets and planting landmines in their front yards. 

And when the crisis is all finished, my bald buddies will all come out of it looking exactly the same as they did when they went into - tough and hard, like these guys:
Whereas I will come out of it looking like my family namesake from the aptly named Hair. 
Picture
Give me a head with hair - yeah, whatever. 
7 Comments
bruce charlton
3/24/2020 07:49:44

I always find too long hair rather depressing, But I am of the Bruce Willis type, and 'too long' for me is anything more than a centimetre. For more than twenty years have kept things neat by having bought some electric barber's shears. So I'm sitting... well, not exactly 'pretty', but smug.

Reply
Francis Berger
3/24/2020 08:42:53

Go ahead, Bruce. Rub it in. I don't mind. Really.

Reply
William James Tychonievich link
3/24/2020 10:55:20

Having once looked like like <a href="https://he.wikipedia.org/wiki/%D7%A9%D7%99%D7%A2%D7%A8#/media/%D7%A7%D7%95%D7%91%D7%A5:Redbeardman.jpg">this</a> (and been immortalized in the Hebrew Wikipedia article on "Hair"), I feel your pain. These days I'm more the Jason Statham type -- no hair to worry about, but have to shave twice a day!

Reply
Francis Berger
3/24/2020 11:42:10

@ Wm - Very impressive!

Reply
bruce charlton
3/24/2020 11:53:49

Wow! - Presumably modelled on the Brigham Young era, plural-marriage Mormon style...

Craig Davis
3/24/2020 12:48:15

Francis,
I will remember you fondly after your passing. Your untimely death due to eating hair gel after you run out of beef jerky will bring a tear to my eye and a prayer of thanks for my shiny pate.

Reply
Francis Berger
3/24/2020 14:51:01

Thanks, Craig. Bless your shiny head!

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    RSS Feed

    Blog and Comments

    Blog posts tend to be spontaneous, unpolished, first draft entries ranging from the insightful and periodically profound to the poorly-argued and occasionally disparaging.
     

    Comments are moderated. Anonymous comments are never published (please use your name or a pseudonym). 

    Emails welcome:

    f er en c ber g er (at) h otm   ail (dot) co m
    Blogs/Sites I Read
    Bruce Charlton's Notions
    Meeting the Masters
    From The Narrow Desert
    Synlogos ✞ Aggregator
    New World Island  
    New World Island YouTube
    ​Steeple Tea
    Berdyaev.com
    Adam Piggott
    Fourth Gospel Blog
    The Orthosphere
    Junior Ganymede

    Archives

    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    July 2018
    May 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    June 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    April 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    October 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012

    Picture
    A free PDF is also available in My Work. 
Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.